You may have kept in touch with your closest friends during the past year of isolation, and maybe you found it easier to find time to connect. “It was a pause,” says Mahzad Hojjat, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts in Dartmouth, who studies friendships and close relationships. “It was an opportunity to catch up with old friends that maybe lived on the other side of the country or in another country.” You may have gotten closer to friends you leaned on for support or commiserated with. But not all friendships fared so well. “I’ve seen people who have more companionate friendships, ones where the focus tends to be more on doing things together instead of sitting around talking — those have really struggled,” says Marisa Franco, PhD, a psychologist based in Washington, DC, who focuses on friendships and close relationships. According to an April 2021 study published in Social Science & Medicine, people reported an increased sense of loneliness and decreased feelings of friendship during pandemic-linked social distancing in surveys conducted in May 2020 compared with surveys conducted before the start of the pandemic. The study found women and those who rated themselves to be in poor health were more negatively impacted. RELATED: What Toll Does Loneliness Take on Our Health? Social isolation not only can increase feelings of loneliness but could also lead to early death. A review published in March 2015 in Perspectives on Psychological Science found loneliness, social isolation, and living alone can increase risk of early mortality by nearly 30 percent.
A Case for Reconnecting With ‘Weaker’ Social Ties
The good news is more and more people are becoming vaccinated and the world is starting to open up, so you may be ready to reignite these friendships. Your closest friends are likely at the top of your list, but what about the next tier of friends — people who you saw regularly before COVID but weren’t close enough with to have stayed in touch? Maybe it’s a coworker from another team who was always making coffee when you were making oatmeal in the office kitchen. Or maybe it’s a parent you used to chat with at your son’s soccer games. These friendships are oftentimes dependent on proximity and being physically close to one another, Hojjat says. “That’s why they dropped off,” she says. “You don’t see them and you’re not going to get in touch because there’s no point unless you have business to handle with them.” But even if they’re relationships that haven’t felt important enough to put time into over the past year, it’s not surprising if you miss them. They’re valuable. “When it comes to friendships and health, every bit of positive social connection matters,” says Kelli Harding, MD, MPH, an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University Irving Medical Center in New York City. “Both strong and weak ties are helpful when they are positive and supportive.” RELATED: Why and How Your Friends Boost Your Health
How to Reconnect With Friends You’ve Lost Touch With
So what’s the best way to reestablish ties with these people you’ve fallen out of touch with after many months? Don’t hesitate, Hojjat says. It’s likely the other person is having similar feelings. ”I think there will be a push to reconnect,” Hojjat says. Here are six tips to get you started:
1. Don’t Be Passive. Reach Out
“We have this false narrative that friendship happens organically,” Franco says. In reality, friendships require effort. “You have to be part of your friends’ lives,” Hojjat says. “If you don’t see them or talk to them, you’re not going to be as close.” So be proactive. “Say, ‘Hey, I’ve been thinking of you,’” Franco suggests. “Or if there’s a memory that came to mind say, ‘Oh, I was just thinking about the time when we did X, Y, Z and am wondering how you’re doing.’”
2. Assume People Like You
“One of the biggest barriers we have to making friends is not how they perceive us but the way we think they perceive us,” Franco says. We make up this (frequently false) narrative that the other person already has enough friends or won’t want to hang out. A better approach is to assume people like you. “If you put yourself in the right mind-set, it might make it easier to reach out to someone,” Franco says. And chances are it’s more true than you might think.
3. Make Plans
Ideally, plan to get together in person once you’re both comfortable. “People are very eager to get out and meet in person,” Hojjat says. Suggest going for a walk or another outdoor activity. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), fully vaccinated people can visit with other fully vaccinated people indoors and can participate in outdoor activities without wearing a mask. Or, if either of you is introverted, not vaccinated, or just not open to meeting in person yet, set up a virtual date such as a FaceTime call.
4. Consider the Other Person’s Comfort Level
Not everyone has the same risk tolerance, so it’s a good idea to tackle that up front. “Ask the other person what their boundaries are,” Franco suggests. That will not only kick off the conversation but also show that you’re being considerate, she says. “It’s always good to say if you’re vaccinated, and they’ll probably say they are or they aren’t,” Hojjat says. “Everyone thinks about it, so it’s good to get it out of the way.” RELATED: Vaccinated Against COVID-19 but Still Anxious? You’re Not Alone
5. Respect Personal Physical Space
You might be used to greeting a friend with a hug, but hold off for now (unless you clear it with them first). “Every culture has its norm about what’s the right physical proximity to someone else standing next to them,” Hojjat says. “South Americans like a closer contact and some Europeans like a larger distance and the U.S. was right in the middle before the pandemic — not too close and not too far away. But now most people will likely want to stand a little further apart.”
6. Don’t Worry if You’re Out of Practice
Let’s face it: Most people’s social lives have been on hold for more than a year, so you might be more socially awkward than you remember, Hojjat says. Franco polled her Instagram followers recently, and 80 percent admitted that the pandemic deteriorated their social skills. “I think it’s important to normalize that so people don’t think they’re weird and they don’t want to interact with people,” Franco says. Give yourself grace if you’re a little rusty. “Everybody’s going through it,” Franco says. “Your social skills will come back. You just need to give yourself a little time to get back out there.” Some of these relationships, like ones you had with coworkers or friends of friends, might not bounce back until you’re back seeing one another in person regularly again. And that’s okay. “Once you’re physically there, it will naturally come together,” Hojjat says. “There will be a thirst for that.” RELATED: Who (and What) Is Getting You Through These COVID Times?
