Until we moved here, I had only an anecdotal understanding of what that meant. After attending scores of wakes, funerals, and a few requiem masses over this past decade, however, I have come to know what that sentiment really means. Owing to the COVID-19 pandemic, it has been a number of years since we attended any such events in person. With restrictions on the number of attendees and strict adherence to health recommendations, the best we have been able to do is line the roadways between church and graveyard as the funerary cortege accompanied the deceased to their final resting place. As a community, we did that because it was the only way we could express our condolences and respects.
‘Empathy’ Means We Feel the Loss, Too
In the past days we have lost a neighbor, a kind and gentle man who will be sorely missed by his friends, family, and the broader community. It was, then, appropriate that the queue outside the funeral home of people wishing to express their empathy and respects was long — even on a bitterly cold and windy April evening. I chose the word “empathy” carefully there. I wasn’t simply referring to condolence or sympathy. Each of us had lost something in the passing of this man. All of us had lost a piece of ourselves to the lockdowns of the past two years. It was a communal sharing of grief and loss we were there to express, not just that we were sorry. We felt less than as well.
‘Empathy’ Means We Really Understand
Here is why I feel it’s so important that people who live with chronic illnesses — even if they live 99 percent of their lives well with their disease — have a friend who shares their condition. I call them MS buddies, but they needn’t be as formal as a self-help group or meetup organization. Just someone who knows what you are dealing with because they have experienced it themselves is immeasurable comfort. Being able to extend that empathy in return is also a gift that an MS buddy can afford us. Because of our disease, it can often seem that we are the takers in a relationship. If all we can give is a bit of empathy, then we are giving a far greater gift than we may understand. Or perhaps we do understand …
We Could All Use a Bit More Empathy
It’s one thing for someone to say that they are sorry that we’re having a tough time. It’s comforting, don’t get me wrong, but it’s like someone on land saying that it looks like the seas are getting rough when we’re in a boat about to be swamped by the waves. The added benefit of having someone out there rowing with us is that they may know a sheltered cove, or at least a way to turn our boat into the wind so we won’t be overcome by the storm. As we shook hands with the family and consoled one another outside the church, I knew that each of us was feeling our own version of the same grief. We were all experiencing it differently, but it was the same sense of loss. When someone in our Life With MS community says, “I understand,” or “Thank you for expressing what I’m feeling,” what we are really doing is offering or receiving empathy, a quality much lacking in our world today, I fear. Wishing you and your family the best of health. Cheers, Trevis
