Everyday Health: How do you talk to your kids about such a horrific incident that they’ve probably heard about from others or on TV? Katie Hurley: The key to talking kids through this is communicating relational safety by listening to their fears and co-regulating their responses. This means that parents need to process their own feelings first to work through their stress response to this tragic event. If your kids come to you with things they’ve heard, ask them to tell you what they know. Provide simple facts that are age appropriate. If tweens and teens (and even elementary students) are using Snapchat, TikTok, or Instagram, they might see conflicting, inaccurate, or incomplete information. Stick to facts to answer their questions. It’s okay to say you don’t know the answer. Take a family break from social media, gaming with chat features, and the news. No good comes from repeated exposure to information about a tragedy. EH: How do you strike a balance between being aware and secure versus fearful? KH: First, reassure your kids that it’s natural to feel scared and anxious when events like this occur. Give them the space to sit with and work through their emotions without trying to fix their feelings. They need the space to verbalize their thoughts and grieve their sense of safety. Second, talk about their school safety measures and what their school and community is doing to keep kids as safe as possible. Knowing how to find the helpers gives kids a sense of comfort. If they’re feeling overwhelmed, slow down and spend time together. Put down your devices and focus on comfort and connection. EH: For the kids who were present or heard the news, how do you spot signs of trauma and what should you do? KH: There are no rules about grief. It’s a personal experience and children can experience a variety of symptoms immediately following a tragic event or later on once they’re had time to process. Some symptoms of trauma can mimic symptoms of depression, including sleep disturbance, changes in eating habits, and increased anger or irritability. It’s also important to watch for symptoms of anxiety, including a heightened fear response, persistent worry, intrusive thoughts, separation anxiety, and regressed behavior. When a tragic event is closely connected to school, kids might engage in school refusal. EH: What services are available for young people and parents who have been traumatized? KH: There is no specific timetable for healing from trauma. Be patient. Even with treatment in place, children can experience gains and loss as they work through the event. It’s important to seek treatment from a licensed mental health clinician (psychologist, social worker, marriage and family therapist) trained in trauma informed care. Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TFCBT), eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), narrative exposure therapy, play therapy, and art therapy are all appropriate options to address the trauma and build coping skills.
