And if you’re tuned in, you’re likely well aware that a central narrative in the drama is the sibling conflict between Harry and his older brother, William, the Prince of Wales and the first in line to the British throne. While the brothers (William, 40, and Harry, 38) have long been depicted as close — acting as each other’s support during and following the 1997 death of their mother, Princess Diana — Harry describes his brother in the book as his “beloved brother and archnemesis.” He later told ABC News: “There’s always been this competition between us.” In the book, Harry claims William physically attacked him. In the Netflix series Harry & Meghan (the royal couple’s tell-all), Harry claims his brother planted negative stories about him and his wife in the press. Most adult siblings aren’t fighting in the British tabloids and don’t have their own docuseries, but conflicts between grown-up sisters and brothers happen all the time.
Yes, Adult Sibling Conflict Happens … a Lot
“Adult sibling conflict is a form of disagreement between siblings that can be caused by different opinions, hostile behavior, and competing interests,” explains Kalley Hartman, the clinical director at Ocean Recovery in Newport Beach, California. Adult sibling conflict can arise from disagreements about topics like finances, parenting styles, or major life decisions. Other causes include unresolved issues from childhood, different personalities or values, power struggles that may create a dynamic of competition, or family secrets that cause feelings of betrayal or mistrust among siblings, Hartman says. Outwardly, such conflict can involve lots of different types of behaviors, she says — from arguments to the silent treatment to aggression. Sibling rivalry is more often seen during childhood, and it’s not necessarily synonymous with sibling conflict, but it’s a type of it. It’s when a sibling feels jealous of the attention or privileges given to a brother or sister, Hartman says. It often revolves around perceptions of parental favoritism or preferential treatment. And these perceptions (real or not) can impact the bonds of sibling relationships that carry far into adult interactions, research has shown. This is especially true when adult sibling interactions take place within the context of the family unit, which often maintains its structure, roles, and expected interactions regardless of the age of those involved. A survey conducted in 2019 by the Cornell University researcher Karl Pillemer, PhD, found that roughly 27 percent of the adult population is experiencing family estrangement, roughly 9 percent of which can be attributed to sibling relationship fallout. Even in nonestranged adult siblings, research published in the Journal of Social Sciences in 2017 indicated that almost 30 percent of brother or sister relationships can be defined as “apathetic,” with another 6 percent defined as “hostile.” “Sibling relationships are super complicated,” says Heidi Horsley, PsyD, the executive director of the Open to Hope Foundation and an adjunct professor at Columbia University in New York City. Even in the best sibling relationships, life circumstances and changing viewpoints or roles can lead to extremely challenging sibling dynamics. “And they’re the longest relationship you’ll likely ever have,” Dr. Horsley says. With siblings, even if you don’t like them and wouldn’t choose them to be a friend, they’re usually still in your life, she says. Life changes like marriage and new additions to the family, having children, experiencing a death of a close loved one, moving, advancing in a career, or experiencing a major life setback can all lead to sibling conflicts, Horsley says. Whatever the cause, these conflicts can make for a lot of extra stress and tension if left unresolved. It’s also worth noting that when sibling relationships can be maintained in a positive way (without bullying or abuse), they offer health benefits across the life span. Research indicates supportive sibling relationships can bolster mental health in youth, assist with goal progress in early adulthood, and reduce the incidence of loneliness in older adults.
How to Work Through Sibling Conflict
Parents, other siblings or family members, and even cultural norms may make you feel like you should salvage a relationship that you wouldn’t necessarily work on if you were experiencing the same conflict with a friend or acquaintance. In some cases, it’s worth working through the conflict because there’s significant love and history at the core of the relationship. There can be a deep desire to maintain the sibling bond, especially if the relationship has been mostly positive, Horsley says. If you miss the relationship, the loss acutely upsets you, or you feel a dissonance that pulls you to reengage, these are signs it’s worth working toward reconciliation, Horsley says. In other cases, she says you may feel obligated or may even be required to maintain some semblance of the relationship for familial or legal reasons, such as maintaining family businesses, caring for an ailing parent, or even the reality of needing to attend regular family events like weddings or reunions. “Signs that a relationship is salvageable include increased willingness to communicate, more frequent interactions (even if they’re brief), ability to have constructive conversations, more empathy toward each other’s positions, and decreased negative behavior,” says Hartman. Of course, these things may not come naturally, so to help the process along Hartman points to the following actions you can take to move forward from the conflict.
Set boundaries Establish rules of respectful behavior and communication that all siblings must adhere to.Discuss expectations Have an honest conversation about expectations for how the sibling relationship will function going forward.Practice active listening Make sure you are really hearing and understanding each other’s perspectives without judgment or interruption.Focus on common goals Identify shared goals, values, or interests that can bring you together rather than apart.Apologize when necessary If an apology is appropriate, accept responsibility for your actions and genuinely apologize.Attend therapy sessions Working with a family therapist can help siblings resolve conflicts and learn to communicate more effectively.
When It Might Be Better to Cut Ties
In some cases, cutting ties with a sibling you’re fighting with may be the best path forward, particularly if it’s necessary to safeguard your own mental, physical, or emotional health. “When or how a person might know it’s time to cut ties completely depends on the individual situation and comfort level. If there’s persistent emotional manipulation, physical abuse, or other unhealthy or destructive behaviors that are causing harm, then it may be best to end the relationship,” Hartman advises. She adds that toxic relationships often include controlling behavior, gaslighting, physical violence or assault, emotional blackmail, and constant criticism or verbal abuse. While you may hear dismay or judgment from other family or friends if you cut ties with a sibling, try not to let it affect a decision you’re making for your own health and well-being. “You don’t need to have a sibling in your life forever just because you were raised with them. If they’re not good for you emotionally, psychologically, or physically, it’s better to have a chosen family with friends, rather than sibling relationships chosen for us — especially if nothing’s going to change in that sibling dynamic,” Horsley says.
Sibling Conflict Can Cause Grief
Whether you’ve cut ties entirely with a sibling or a conflict has caused a relationship with a sibling to change, these situations can be losses. And they can lead to feelings of grief. It’s an example of disenfranchised loss or ambiguous loss, Horsley explains. “If your sibling dies, everyone gives you support. But if you say you no longer see your brother due to unresolved problems, the response is going to be different,” she says. Some people might judge you or think you should have worked harder on “working it out.” Hartman also points out that you may be left with unresolved feelings that are tough to manage because there’s no real closure or resolution. If you’re feeling angry, hurt, or sad, Hartman offers the following tips for coping:
Acknowledge your feelings and give yourself space to experience them.Seek support from friends, family, or professional counselors — share with those who are willing to offer nonjudgmental support.Give yourself time to process the loss.Find healthy ways to cope, including trying new hobbies, exercising, spending time with loved ones, or listening to music.Look for ways to find closure on your own terms, whether it’s a final conversation with your sibling or a letter that you may or may not send.
You may also want to consider your rift a pause on your relationship, and be open to future reconciliation, even if that’s years or decades in the future. “Saying it’s over forever is a hard thing to say,” Horsley says. “Who you are at 50 is different from who you are at 60, 70, or 80. And the same is true of your sibling.” The problems or circumstances that influence a break in a relationship now may resolve in the future as beliefs, values, relationships, and life situations change. “There can be opportunities for reconciliation in the future if both parties are willing to take responsibility for their part in the breakdown of the relationship and commit to making changes so healthy communication and respect can be achieved,” Hartman says. It’s up to you to determine whether it’s worth it.
