What’s really become almost unbearable in the past couple of weeks are the relentless attempts by others to manage my emotions. A lot of people, for instance, are telling me not to be scared. “Don’t panic,” they say, through cheery, emoji-riddled texts. “Stay positive!” they shout through Instagram stories. “Hang in there,” they end their emails. Every time I see one of these posts or hear it on the other end of the phone line, I cringe, bristle, and immediately become angry or defensive. Telling someone with anxiety to calm down in the middle of a global crisis is a bit like asking someone in a wheelchair to just give walking a try. The reality is that there is no switch I can flip. I cannot simply go for a run and it goes away. There are things that help me manage my symptoms and live with the fears I face in day-to-day life. And I do them. But in the midst of a global pandemic? Yeah, no. This is also my reality: My mom died four months ago, and the world has felt hostile and unnerving ever since. My father and grandmother are old enough to be at high risk for COVID-19. I’ve been cut off from most of my income with no idea when it will return, and the uncertainty and chaos of the outside world are skyrocketing. Also, where I live, it’s still winter. I am at home with little contact with the outside world. The skies are gray; the air is cold. Isolation and uncertainty are two of the more toxic ingredients for someone with a mental illness. When I am in my hardest depressions, I isolate. When I am at the heightened peak of my anxiety, when panic attacks are close at hand and I am lashing out at those around me, I am in a constant state of uneasiness. Both of these states are unavoidable in the current circumstances. Personally, I don’t want to hear that it will all be okay. I definitely don’t find it helpful to hear that I need to stay calm. It’s not really an option for me. While I do not think that I or anyone else with a similar diagnosis needs to do anything other than wake up and keep going, there are a couple of things that have been helpful to me this past week. Maybe something on my list will resonate with you, too.
Meditate. I’ve been meditating for a minimum of five minutes every day. I already had a meditation practice before this, but it’s been spotty at best. I’m trying to commit to it as a routine because it’s helped in the past when I’m more anxious than normal. I use the timing feature on the InsightTimer app; it also has a large library of guided meditations if that’s more your thing.Exercise. I’ve been walking, running, or biking every day. I recognize this is a privilege that is not available to everyone, but if it is, it may be worth a try. It has been hugely beneficial to me, especially when I’m able to do it outside. There are also many companies, social media accounts, and studios offering free or donation-based online fitness classes. I’ve been using the Peloton app, which is offering a free 90-day trial.Read. For me, reading is a form of escape and self-care. Lately, I’ve been reading a mix of romance novels or travel stories (the escape piece of this) and memoirs or self-development books. I am a member of my local library and use their digital app (Libby) for most of my books. At the moment, I’m quickly blowing through Glennon Doyle’s Untamed and Turn Right at Machu Picchu by Mark Adams.Stream shows. TV is another great way to escape heavy anxiety moments. I use it to take a break from the often endless emotional and mental loop that occurs with anxiety. Sometimes, after a little TV break, I come back to my emotions and the anxiety is a bit less intense. My favorites at present are Gilmore Girls (the original series), action movies (21 Bridges is a fun one), and House Hunters International.Cook and bake. I thought that I didn’t love to cook or bake anymore. With all of this extra time, I’m remembering that I love it. What I don’t love is when it’s yet another item on a never-ending to-do list (feeling like I need to accomplish things is another big anxiety trigger for me). Since I have little else to do, I am free to enjoy it. It’s also been a fun game to try to use all of the random food that’s left in our pantry or in the grocery stores as things are out of stock. My go-to for recipes is The New York Times Cooking app, though we pay for a subscription.FaceTime with friends and family. I live far from most of my friends and family even when I’m not quarantined, however, I rarely video call them. Ever since COVID-19 put us all in our homes, I’ve been packing my schedule with these every evening. I love them. Social anxiety is another difficult thing for me to manage, but this is the perfect balance of connection without much pressure. It’s got me wondering why I don’t do this more.Sleep and rest. I’m often fighting the utter exhaustion that comes with depression and anxiety because I don’t have any other choice. Currently, I am giving in and it feels lovely, like a gentle hug to myself in this time when I so badly crave a bit more softness.Pet my dog. While we are all an anxious mass of nerves, my dog — a fairly skittish rescue puppy — is the happiest she’s ever been. Both my husband and I are at home with her every day; we go for long walks on the beach together and spend work breaks throwing the ball outside. It’s a family vacation for her, and since the only things she needs in life to be satisfied are us, food, and a good run, she’s living her dream life. Her joy is contagious. It feels good to be around her even more than normal.
Here’s what I do not do:
Touch my phone for the first hour of the day. This is a habit I’ve wanted to build for a while. On good days, my phone is an instant source of anxiety for me. Now, it’s almost unbearable. By leaving it alone for the first hour each day, I give myself time to slowly start and wake up before being hit with the latest catastrophes. There is nothing on Instagram that I need to know at 7 a.m. I’ve found this to be immediately effective in reducing my anxiety for the rest of the day.Start new hobbies. The last thing I need is more pressure or a new to-do list. No, thank you.Take advice. I am not listening to other people’s advice on what I should be doing or feeling unless it is my medical doctor or therapist. Your mental health is a deeply personal thing; don’t give it away to every family member, friend, and well-wisher on Facebook who asks for it. Even if it’s good advice, unsolicited advice is never helpful. So I am politely declining to engage (or simply ignoring completely) when others start in with their stream of “Have you tried…” ideas.Give other people advice. It’s not my place to say what others suffering from mental illness should or should not be doing. This is mainly out of respect. Since one of my triggers (outlined above) is when others dish out unwanted advice, the last thing I want is to make someone else feel called out who might already be suffering.Ignore calls and texts. I’m normally not great about this, but right now, it feels important to me to respond as much as I can. Staying connected has been a lifeline for me, and I never know if it might be for another.
