Taylor Duck, a former soccer player who was diagnosed with lung cancer 14 years ago when she was just 21, says she has heard them all. “There is immediate blame and shame instead of the care and compassion that every other cancer survivor receives when they share about their diagnosis,” Duck says. Here’s what Duck says you shouldn’t say to someone with lung cancer.
1. ‘Do You Smoke?’
This question can be hurtful, because it implies the person deserved to get the disease. The fact is, as many as 20 percent of people who die from lung cancer each year have never smoked or used any form of tobacco, according to the American Cancer Society. And those who do or did smoke don’t welcome a lung cancer diagnosis, either, nor should they be made to feel ashamed. “No one deserves to have cancer, even if they made bad lifestyle choices like smoking,” Duck says. “When someone asks me this after I tell them I’m a lung cancer survivor, my response is always, ‘Why do you ask? Would that make you care less?’” Duck says. “I’m sure it’s shocking to them when I respond that way, but that’s my goal. I want to stop them in their tracks to make them realize how insensitive that question is so that hopefully they will never ask [it] again to anyone else.”
2. ‘How Did You Get It?’
“After they ask me if I smoked, and I respond no, the next question is always: ‘Well, then how did you get it?’” Duck says. Like the smoking remarks, this question suggests the patient did something to bring on the cancer. “It always blows my mind,” Duck explains, “because no one asks a breast cancer survivor how they got their breast cancer.” There are many risk factors for lung cancer that can’t be controlled, such as a family history or exposure to secondhand smoke, radon, or air pollution. What’s more, recent research has suggested that the incidence of non-small cell lung cancer (NSCLC: the most common type of lung cancer) in never-smokers is on the rise.
3. ‘I Knew Someone Who Died of Lung Cancer’
A negative outcome experienced by someone with lung cancer is not what a newly diagnosed patient — or even a survivor — wants or needs to hear. “The intent is usually to try to make a connection, but people sharing about friends and family they used to know who died of the disease does not help make a connection. It scares people,” Duck says.
4. ‘My ______ Had Lung Cancer’
An overly optimistic take on someone else’s lung cancer experience can backfire as well. “Even if your account does have a happy ending, the person might draw comparisons and wonder why they aren’t experiencing the same results,” says Duck.
5. ‘I Heard About a Natural Remedy’
While you may be trying to be helpful, sharing something you read or saw about an alternative treatment or unproven cure can be counterproductive. According to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, natural cancer remedies should be “regarded with great caution because most are unsupported by evidence.” “Keep any and all medical advice to yourself unless you have credible information and knowledge that may help the patient thrive,” Duck says.
What Should You Say to Someone Who Has Lung Cancer?
Often, nothing. Simply listening is an overlooked response and one many patients crave, says Duck. You don’t have to give advice, criticize, or fix things, says Duck. Just being present and listening can be a powerful form of support. Among the comments people may want to hear:
1. ‘I’m Sorry You’re Going Through This’
A sincere statement of empathy is always welcome, even if it’s brief.
2. ‘How Are You Feeling?’ or ‘How Are Things Going Today?’
Open-ended questions like these provide an opportunity for the person to talk if they feel like it, and for you to listen.
3. ‘Can I Help You With ___?’
If you’d like to help with household chores or everyday tasks, be specific about your offer. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” which puts the onus on them to ask or to come up with an idea, try something like: “Can I come over on Thursday and bring you groceries?”
4. ‘I Don’t Know What to Say’
It’s okay to be honest if you’re at a loss for words. Your candidness and sincerity will most likely be refreshing, and a shared moment of silence could be just what your friend or loved one needs. Lastly, it might be helpful to read about the shame and guilt many patients with lung cancer experience. The American Lung Association has developed guidelines and resources for addressing stigma in the lung cancer community.
